Assimilation

I don't know if I will try to blog everyday or not. I guess the best thing to do is write and allow the words to flow. And away we go...

Yesterday, I wrote about my decision to go natural.  Today, I want to write about why this is such a difficult process for me. Why is returning my hair to its natural state such a journey? In one word, fear. Fear of what you might ask. All my life I have been the "safe" black girl. I have always been the black girl at school or in the workplace that other races felt comfortable being around. I am black girl that was always asked those questions about black culture. I have heard and answered questions about our hair, foods we eat, why we wait so long to bury our dead, what do we do in church all day, myths about black men, how we come up with names for our children, and the list goes on. I have never been offended; I feel it is a natural part of life to be curious. Some of the most intelligent people I know are those that constantly ask questions.

In addition, I have always reveled in that fact that my classmates and colleagues felt comfortable enough to ask me those burning questions. So, what does all this have to do with my fear of going natural you might ask. Well...I have allowed a stereotype to permeate my way of thinking. I am ashamed to admit that I feel/felt (I'm a work in progress) that now people (within and outside of my race) will view me as militant. Maybe militant is a bit harsh, but not in my mind. Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel that all of sudden those who come in contact with me will see Sistah Souljah or Angela Davis not Tanisha? I have prayed and cried and prayed about this feeling because it is horrible for me to allow such negativity to enter my space. To be honest, I have always fought for what I believed was right. I often find myself being the only person of color in professional settings and speaking out for marginalized students, especially ones with little brown faces that are often misunderstood. But I do so in a noncombative way so now with natural hair will those same people begin to see me as being aggressive, confrontational, radical? Should I care? Am I wrong for caring what others think about me? Ugh! C'est la vive! Hakuna matata! I guess I am over analyzing, maybe not. Obviously I have lots of questions and very few answers.

Then there is the fear of job opportunities. Sad, but true. As a black woman, I know it is possible to be labeled/judged based on my outward appearance before I am even allowed a chance to utter a word. Am I placing myself in a horrible position? But to quote Shakespeare (corny, I know) I must "to thine own self be true." I can't be true to myself and continue to conform to how I feel others (society) would have me look. I know that regardless of my hair I will continue to be the best Christian, wife, sister, aunt, niece, cousin, granddaughter, friend, soror, colleague, teacher, educator, that I can possibly be.

I am releasing the subconscious belief that I have to assimilate. I know my self-worth and it is as healthy as my hair will soon be.

aWordfromSmith

The Decision

Let me start by saying this is my first attempt at blogging. I somehow feel compelled to share my thoughts with others so here goes. Growing up I never recall having insecurities or ill feelings about my hair but these feelings have definitely changed over the years. The main reason being that my hair was once thick and full of body. Now, it is thin and lifeless. I am what one would call a "Plain Jane." I didn't decide to try make-up until my thirties. As far as styling my hair, I am slow to change having worn a wrap throughout high school and most of my college years. Halle Berry had an impact on me, and I made the big chop around my junior year of undergraduate school. For years to come, I just switched between letting it grow and cutting in back off. Considering the various ways black women can style their hair one would think I would have tried to switch it up a bit but nah, I kept it simple.

Giving a little insight into my background will help one understand how profound it is for me to decide to go natural. This idea has been tugging at me for a few years. My first tug was when I read the book Nappily Ever After. I even got a little tug from the children's book Nappy Hair not to mention the infamous incident between Don Imus and the Rutgers ladies basketball team. The biggest tug was after viewing Chris Rock's documentary Good Hair and realizing that I was one of those women spending thousands of dollars to straighten my hair. Additionally, I have two nieces one with natural hair and one with a relaxer. I try to instill in them that we (women of color) are beautiful and come in various sizes, shapes, colors, textures, you name it. I want them to be proud of who they are and how they look and this isn't an easy task with how the media tends to portray beauty. Little black girls don't have the opportunity to see themselves plastered across various magazine covers or walking the runway.

So, I am beginning this journey not only for myself, but for those two girls that I adore with all my heart. I  know this transition will not be easy and I will have to rally the support of my family and friends to get me through. It is sad, but I realize that going natural will be a difficult process because I am addicted to the "creamy crack." I have always believed in the power of words both the verbal and written word. Writing things really solidifies things for me. I have written prayers, poems, life lessons, goals, short stories, and my proudest piece of work to date-- my dissertation. So, I believe the best way to embrace this new beginning of returning my hair to its natural state is through writing.

Let the journey begin...