Assimilation

I don't know if I will try to blog everyday or not. I guess the best thing to do is write and allow the words to flow. And away we go...

Yesterday, I wrote about my decision to go natural.  Today, I want to write about why this is such a difficult process for me. Why is returning my hair to its natural state such a journey? In one word, fear. Fear of what you might ask. All my life I have been the "safe" black girl. I have always been the black girl at school or in the workplace that other races felt comfortable being around. I am black girl that was always asked those questions about black culture. I have heard and answered questions about our hair, foods we eat, why we wait so long to bury our dead, what do we do in church all day, myths about black men, how we come up with names for our children, and the list goes on. I have never been offended; I feel it is a natural part of life to be curious. Some of the most intelligent people I know are those that constantly ask questions.

In addition, I have always reveled in that fact that my classmates and colleagues felt comfortable enough to ask me those burning questions. So, what does all this have to do with my fear of going natural you might ask. Well...I have allowed a stereotype to permeate my way of thinking. I am ashamed to admit that I feel/felt (I'm a work in progress) that now people (within and outside of my race) will view me as militant. Maybe militant is a bit harsh, but not in my mind. Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel that all of sudden those who come in contact with me will see Sistah Souljah or Angela Davis not Tanisha? I have prayed and cried and prayed about this feeling because it is horrible for me to allow such negativity to enter my space. To be honest, I have always fought for what I believed was right. I often find myself being the only person of color in professional settings and speaking out for marginalized students, especially ones with little brown faces that are often misunderstood. But I do so in a noncombative way so now with natural hair will those same people begin to see me as being aggressive, confrontational, radical? Should I care? Am I wrong for caring what others think about me? Ugh! C'est la vive! Hakuna matata! I guess I am over analyzing, maybe not. Obviously I have lots of questions and very few answers.

Then there is the fear of job opportunities. Sad, but true. As a black woman, I know it is possible to be labeled/judged based on my outward appearance before I am even allowed a chance to utter a word. Am I placing myself in a horrible position? But to quote Shakespeare (corny, I know) I must "to thine own self be true." I can't be true to myself and continue to conform to how I feel others (society) would have me look. I know that regardless of my hair I will continue to be the best Christian, wife, sister, aunt, niece, cousin, granddaughter, friend, soror, colleague, teacher, educator, that I can possibly be.

I am releasing the subconscious belief that I have to assimilate. I know my self-worth and it is as healthy as my hair will soon be.

aWordfromSmith