Two Years and Counting

I can't believe June 2, 2013 made two years that I big chopped. Where has the time gone? I have learned so much about myself through this process. Instead of writing a bunch of stuff...they say a picture is worth a thousand words...My journey through pictures

Transition with braids (April 2011)

Teeny Weeny Afro (TWA)

June 3, 2011 (TWA) The morning afterI big chopped. 

October 2011 (TWA)

July 2011 (TWA)

TWA in the first month of big chop

Comb Twists

November 2011


Two Strand Twists

December 2011

May 2012

April 2013

Six Flags in San Antonio (April 2012)

Updo

Winter 2012

Back of updo

Twisted updo (October 2012)

January 2013

Two strand twist out

Football Season 2011

May 2012

Winter 2012

November 2012

February 2013

March 2013

January 2013

April 2013

Like-Minded

You may or may not notice but I changed the title of my blog from Creamy Crack to All Things Natural since my writing is taking a different turn from being only about hair to now about whatever is on my mind (scary...I know) but eventually everything finds its way back to being about my journey with all things natural. This entry is about books. I love reading and have always been a lover of words. There is such power in words. Words can build you up or tear you down. Words cause wars or form treaties. Don't you just love words? I have a children's book titled Max's Words by Kate Banks and Max and I both share this same passion for words.

Don't you just love this cover?

Onto the purpose of this entry. I feel as if something is missing in this one area of my life. I connect with all kinds of naturalistas through the web, but I am coming to realize now that  I am in need of another circle. A social circle. I guess that's what you would call it. I am one who has always kept a small circle of friends and that is just the way I like it, but I am not thinking of friends per se rather like-minded people that I can connect with on occasion to discuss a book, healthy lifestyle choices (food, hair, exercise, etc.), discuss hot topics, etc. I don't have that currently in my life and I'm yearning for it. As Donkey sang in Shrek, "I'm all alone there's no beside me."

I read a book called Showing Mary recently, although it is a book I've had for years, but it called me one day. I looked everywhere for the book in my home and then in bookstores, turns out it is out of print except for electronically. I later realized I couldn't find the book because I gave my original copy away to a colleague back in 2006 before I read it cover to cover. Don't ask why because my logic is flawed at times especially when someone asks me for a book. Anywho, Showing Mary is about the relationships we foster in our lifetime and the author makes comparisons to Mary and women of today. Weems talks about "partnering with people who share your passion for life and for learning new things." She hit the nail on the head. I recently reconnected with a longtime friend and I reached out to her as a result of many things, but one of them is as a result of reading this book. She had been heavy on my heart and turns out I was on hers. You don't need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of, and the few friends I have I am absolutely certain about so I dare not let them go.  As I have matured, I have learned to value my friendships. Baraka, whom I affectionately call B, is standing in the middle in the pic below. She is the one with whom I have recently reconnected.  We lost contact, but I am thankful we have found our way back to one another. I'm sad to say but the soror in the white shirt on the right recently passed so her death only made me certain that I don't take people for granted. We pay lip service to cherishing people while they are alive, but we allow things, not necessarily more important things but just stuff to get in the way. You make time for what's important is my motto so I have vowed to do just that.

Tomorrow is not promised. (Circa 1998)

Now, what I want to do is share a few of my ten latest reads that I'd love to have  conversations about with a group of like-minded people (in no particular order):

1. Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn
2. The Harbinger: The Ancient Mystery That Holds the Secret of America's Future by Jonathan Cahn
3. The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot
4. Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers
5. Showing Mary: How Women Can Share Prayers, Wisdom, and the Blessings of God by Renita Weems
6. Decision Points by George W. Bush
7. Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson
8. Hunger Games (Trilogy) by Suzanne Collins
9. Matched (Trilogy) by Ally Condie
10. Saving Grace and Fall From Grace by Ryan Phillips

I said ten but it is actually fifteen since two are trilogies and one set of two.  I'm the type of reader that if there is a second book I feel compelled to read it. It's crazy because I don't follow this same philosophy with movies. I don't really care for sequels in movies. It makes sense to me.

I don't think a read is complete until you talk about it with someone. (Again, don't follow the logic just roll with me please) Somehow discussing a read with another person makes it that much more enjoyable and meaningful. Here are a few of my favorite lines from the books listed above perhaps these quotes will move one of you reading this blog to want to read the book. A girl can try.

"The day I prayed to receive Christ was the day I stopped using Band-Aids and found the only permanent solution to my ails and woes. It was time to stop living in my own strength." from Saving Grace

"By all means, grow, change, but do it naturally. Why are you trying to cram yourself into some sort of mold you've made up in your head?" from Saving Grace

Here is a poem from Saving Grace:

I want to be white,

With skin so light and pale

Unhampered by the sun.

Smooth and pastel

Innocent and pure

Like freshly fallen snow.

Uninhibited and too beautiful to touch.

I want silky, shiny hair.

The kind that slides

Through your fingers

And lays dramatically against your back.

The kind that flows

From side to side when you 

Shake your head.

I want to be emaciated.

A frail shell, with rib bones

That protrude from beneath

My skin to greet the world beyond.

I want pelvic bones that poke 

Through my skirts and thighs

That never speak.

I want green, no, blue eyes

The better with which to see this culture

I want them gray or hazel, even purple.

Any color than dark brown.

Any color than what I am.

But if this should happen

When I went home,

They wouldn't know me.

And they wouldn't braid my hair

In beautiful corn row designs.

My nappy hair that doesn't flow.

There'd be no room in my concave

Stomach and mute thighs for

Food that speaks to my soul like

Comfort collard greens

Black-eyed truth

Cornbread fairytales

Macaroni rituals

Fried chicken lovin'.

And when they look into my eyes,

My big chocolate, almond, dark brown 

Eyes,

There'd be no recognition

Because blue, green, hazel, and even purple

Don't come with this history.

And aren't privileged to know its secrets.

Or feel its pride."

This poem moved me for so many reasons but mainly because as you may have read in my previous blogs I struggled with insecurities in regards to my looks when I went back to natural  and I'm sure those insecurities were only exacerbated through my hair but when I am honest I know they always dormant in my subconscious. But also because in an earlier entry titled Assimilation I talk about this very thing.

"...happiness it more than a choice; its a responsibility." from Fall From Grace

"The alarm had sounded, and they were vowing to silence it. And what happens Nouriel, if you silence an alarm? You keep sleeping." from The Harbinger by Johnathan Cahn --I guess this line can be taken out of the context of the book, but for me it says that you can't ignore the warning signs...don't silence the alarm people!

"...when you die and go to Heaven and meet your Maker, your maker is not going to ask, "Why didn't you discover the cure for such and such? Why didn't you become a leader? Why weren't you successful? Why didn't you do more? Why weren't you the best?" The only question the Maker will ask you in that precious moment is "Why didn't you become you?"  (this quote was one of those ah-ha moments) from Showing Mary

Here is a poem from Showing Mary:

I have given myself away to so many people that

I don't remember who has what part of me.

I have fallen in love so many times, I don't even

bother to get up anymore.

If this isn't love, what I'm offering him today, 

then I must tell him that is will just have

to do until the real thing comes.

He will just have to wait. Because I have

to wait...until I know what it is that I'm feeling.

I didn't know before. But now I do.

And now before it's too late,

God cleanse me from all the spirits clinging

to me that do not belong to me.

No wonder---

Teacher me how to love my Self.

Teach me how to love without giving up large parts

of myself.

Show me what it looks like to love and be free

at the same time.

Until then,

I can wait.

What else can you say? This poem needs to be shared with all of our young ladies. I see our young women giving too much of themselves away and they will have nothing left before they reach adulthood.

Thank you for reading.

aWordfromSmith

Mother's Day 2013 Reflections

Me at BGR!
(E wouldn't get in picture...
she wasn't camera ready)

One of the presenters

It has been a long time and I have allowed life to get in the way of my writing. This blog isn't so much about my hair journey rather feelings that have come about as a result of events that took place during my Mother's Day weekend.

I started my weekend with one of my long time friends and angels, Erika, whom I affectionately call E. Everyone needs a friend that no matter how much time has passed between the two of you, once you see each other it's as if no time has passed at all. E and I went to the Black Girls Run: Preserve the Sexy Tour. I started running a year ago while living in Tupelo, MS. Who knew I'd enjoy running, but I did. When I moved to Natchez last July I stopped running and I think it's partially because I don't have the beautiful parks in Natchez, MS like I did in Tupelo. Running was my release. The workshop on Saturday gave me the motivation I needed to get back on track, literally. More to come on my road back to a healthy me.

Teri, Erika, and I (and Reign) 2013

Teri, Erika, and I circa 2004

I spent the night at my other angel's house, Teri, and got to spend time not only with T but with her new beau, Kel, and Miss Reign. Being around Reign started the baby talk conversation again which lead to my heavy heart around Mother's Day weekend. I have come to accept the fact that having a child(ren) of my own may not be a part of God's plan for me. That acceptance didn't come easy and it is not something I've shared with many people. But lately I have gotten more of the "when are you going to have kids?" I take a deep breath and simply say, "whenever God decides to bless me with a child" or "I have 3800+ children and counting." Being in education for 15+ years I have touched the lives of many children and have been like a mother, counselor, confidant, psychologist, and the list goes on. Being a mother is more than just giving birth because I know so many females that have given birth, but are far from being a mother.

Reign!

I do wish people would be more thoughtful and not ask questions like this, but I have grown and try to no longer take offense. A quotable line is that you can't change others, you can only change yourself. As I have matured, I've mastered the art of letting people know when they have overstepped their boundaries in a polite but firm manner. I don't know if people see an educated, childless, married woman and think something must be wrong with me so they are compelled to inquire. All I know is I am going to continue living my life and impacting the lives of all the children that enter my life. 

Sissy, Pay, & I

My brother

To cap off the weekend, my family and I traveled to Vicksburg to visit my mother's grave site. Reflecting on my life without my mother always makes my heart heavy. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her, sometimes through laughter and at times through tears, but she is always at the forefront of my mind. It saddens me that she didn't get to meet her grandchildren, see her little man Jamiel grow up, see that her daughters both followed in her footsteps and became educators, and the list goes on. But I am proud of the woman I am becoming and know that I am a work in progress all because of the values she instilled in me before she left this world.

Titi and her favorite girl

Thank you for reading. 

aWordfromSmith

Natural-versary

In three days I can officially say that I have been natural for one year. Wow! I can't stress enough how much I have grown as a woman through this process. I've read other natural women's blogs and some have written about people saying negative things around and to them about their hair. I must say that the only demons I've had to fight have been my own. My family and friends have all been supportive. Most of them admire my courage. It's kind of sad that we use the word courage when speaking of wearing your natural hair, the hair you were born with, the hair God gave you, but I digress.

Women going back to their natural hair has become prevalent in society. I see more natural women in magazines, commercials, billboards, etc. There are also loads of natural hair care lines with products for  all types of textures and the market is steadily growing. I recently returned from the Maryland/D.C. area and while there I got to hang out with my sister/cousin and we commented on how all we saw among black women were either naturals or weaves. And some of the weaves could be naturals underneath so there you go. My sister/cousin and sister are both natural, but they have chosen to loc their hair. My sister has traditional locs and my sister/cousin had sisterlocks. We have all supported one another throughout this process. We send one another pictures of everything from our hair growth, to new hair accessories, to our experiments with make-up. It's all new to the three of us and I'm blessed to have two of the people that I love dearest in this world to share this experience with.

My sister/cousin and myself

My sister

The 2011-2012 school year was my first year as an administrator at THS. Being an administrator at such a large high school afforded me the opportunity to have conversations with young ladies from such vast backgrounds. With my middle school background, being the high school was virgin territory and I loved every minute of it. I was the ninth grade administrator, but I had the pleasure of getting to know several seniors that were my office assistants. One young lady in particular and I grew close and I became the mentor for her senior project. She actually had another person as her mentor when school began, but over the course of the year she would come to my office frustrated about her project and I would talk her through it and eventually she asked her English teacher if she could change mentors and the rest is history. I can't recall the final title of her project but it was about being comfortable with who you are. She focused on self-esteem and how social media seems to play such an important role in young adolescent girls views of themselves. We talked about self-esteem as it relates to body size, hair, and clothing. I was able to mentor her and she in turn was able to serve as a mentor for many of my ninth grade girls. We came full circle. I love it!

I was asked to speak at a Black History Program for a local church. I used my favorite children's book I Like Myself as a resource for my speech. I decided to talk focus on the audience making black history versus the traditional rattling off of blacks in history and their accomplishments. I talked about the history of blacks from the perspective of how far would those people in history have come if they had chosen to focus on trivial things like hair and worry about how others perceived them. For us to focus on those superficial things borders insanity. I noted how we need to focus on being a good person, dreaming big,  and having self love or we will never prosper. One of the most powerful lines in the book reads:

"No matter if they stop and stare,

no person, ever, anywhere,

can make me feel that what they see,

is all there really is to me."

So simple, yet profound. We can't allow people to feel that what they see with the human eye is who we are because we so much more. There are depths and intricacies to me that it takes time to uncover with more than a mere glance or stare. I hope they got from my talk that WE give people power over us and this is something that should never happen.  I read the book aloud at the end of my talk and the children as well as the adults loved it. The illustrations in the book are beautiful in addition to the words being simple enough that regardless of age or background one can get the message. I also joked about the girl in the book having hair like me.

See the likeness? :-) 

But besides the speaking engagements I was able to talk with students on a daily basis.  I had one young lady get into an exchange of words with a young man in class because he called her hair nappy. Well, you know that struck a cord with me. I had a brief chat with her about her definition of nappy and how she felt about her hair. I have learned to use the word nappy in a positive connotation but for a thirteen year-old that is a hard pill to swallow. I dried her tears and she left my office feeling better. I encouraged her the rest of the year when I saw her in the hallway or in the classroom. Opportunities kept presenting themselves for me to encourage others throughout the year.

I am learning to pray and ask God for guidance in every aspect of my life. I know I am where He wants me to be at this point in my life and everything has happened for a reason and as Oprah would say it is "divine intervention." There is nothing better than having a sense of purpose. Whenever I used to go through a difficult time in my life I would hear my mother saying, "The Lord won't put on you more than you can bare" and I would think the Lord must have me confused with some other brown girl, but I now realize that I'm like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz..."I've had it all along."

My supportive husband

aWordfromSmith

Versatility

My how time flies. I haven't written in a while both on this blog and in my journal. Unfortunately, I have allowed life to get in the way and that shouldn't happen so I have rededicated myself to write and read daily. Being a lover of words, I have said before and continue to say that I know there is power in writing and I can't just talk the talk, as my mom would say, I must walk the walk. There is something therapeutic for me about the physical act of taking pen to paper and allowing my innermost thoughts to flow. Scary.

Let's flow...Today is February 15, I am about to enter my ninth month as a naturalista. I have gone from a TWA to single strand twists and now I pretty much rock two strand twists and twist outs. The first time I wore a twist out was to my girl's anniversary party in December. I rocked it!

Anniversary girl and I

I've read about the versatility of natural hair, but I am one who has to do it for myself--I'm a hands-on learner (educational joke). Anywho, so now I'm thinking I'm bold and blazing new trails until it is time to rock my new hair to work. Key the music. Dum...dum...dum.. dum...dummmmm...

Nothing was said at work, not that I expected anyone to say anything. I guess that's the nature of the beast. I don't really know if that's good or bad it just is. I can say that on Tuesday when the students returned they loved it and I know they would have no reservations telling me if they thought otherwise.

I went back and read some of the blogs from other naturals dispelling the myths that natural hair is not professional. I am the ultimate professional, so I had to tell myself for the millionth time that I would not allow my hair to define me. I rock my twist out with a suit and heels, a skirt and boots, jogging pants and running shoes, jeans and loafers, you name, I rock it.

Rocking my twist out to my ninth graders championship game

My first attempt at doing my own twists out

aWordfromSmith

Curse the cursor

Death to the blinking cursor
I know real writers say you must write everyday. I don't see how they do it if they don't feel inspired to write about anything. I've been wanting to write for quite some time, but the only thing I end up doing is watching the blinking cursor mock me. It taunts me in my dreams saying, "You don't have anything to share, girl." Well, I am going to prove Mr. Cursor wrong.

Natural attraction
What I have come to discover is that once you are comfortable in our own skin you will realize that it is infectious. I ran into a childhood friend recently and he asked the usual question, "What made you decide to go natural?" Well, I replied as I usually do when I'm asked that question by telling people I've gone back to natural seeing as natural is the way I was born. He went on to say how nice he thought the look was on me and he knew there were probably a lot more men hitting on me because he thinks most men find nothing more attractive than a natural woman. Hmph! Who knew?

Natural hair support
I've received so much support throughout this journey. One of my colleagues has a daughter that is natural and she ordered some Miss Jessie's samples for her hair, but she didn't like how the products reacted on her daughter's hair, so she brought me a bag full of sample products. Having those samples has afforded me the chance to try products I wouldn't have tried otherwise. She and I have talked about hair in the past and she has the desire but says, "I don't think I'd look right." I told her sometimes you have to take a leap of faith if it's something you want. Going back natural is one of those things you definitely shouldn't do until you are ready.

My support has come from family, friends, and strangers. One of my friends, Kellie, is so sweet and one my biggest fans. She jokingly says she wants me to put her name in my blog so she can say she knew me when. How can you feel insecure when you have this kind of support system in place? One of my other white friends doesn't want me to add her name because she feels that she asks crazy questions, when in actuality she doesn't. To me, that's how you learn and grow because I know I've asked her questions about her race that I didn't understand. You ask questions and don't make assumptions. I recently met her mother and her mother prefaced a statement to me with, "I hope I don't offend you, but I love your hair and you look like I'd imagine an African Queen would look." I didn't take offense, I took it as it was intended, as a compliment. Again, I may have some read this statement and take offense. To each its own. I won't go off on a tangent about we (all people) have become so hypersensitive. But just know I could write a blog about that topic.

Although my husband didn't say it aloud I know he had reservations about my cutting my hair off. One of my staple products quickly became Kinky Curly Leave-in Conditioner. I am about several hours from a Target, so I have to purchase products when I travel to an area that has a Target. Each time I went to Target they were out of conditioner. I talked about it so much, I guess, because my husband started stopping at various Targets unbeknownst to me in his travels as well. A few weeks ago he surprised me with four bottles of conditioner. How sweet... right? The conditioner showed that he not only supported my inner product junkie, but it was a simple gesture that let me know that he was there for me.

Accessorize
If you have followed my blogs you know I've watched YouTube videos, read blogs, books, articles, everything I could get my hands on about natural hair. The one thing I heard several times was to play up accessories and make-up so you don't feel masculine. I just started wearing earrings that dangle in the last year even before my natural journey. I am a stud girl through and through and always have been. When I say I was and am a plain Jane I am not exaggerating. As far as make-up was concerned, I wore lip gloss and eyeliner on occasion and that was about the extent of my make-up routine. So, when I big chopped I felt the need to wear larger earrings and apply make-up each day. This was very short lived. Don't get me wrong, I have continued to dabble in make-up and I do wear a bit of a dangle on the ear occasionally, but I don't over compensate because I don't feel masculine. If anything I feel more feminine now than I ever have. I strut, not walk; I am radiant, I don't flicker. I feel so regal each and every day I look in the mirror.

aWordfromSmith

No make-up, no earrings, just me

Feeling the Love

I know I write so sporadically, but I try not to write unless I am really full and have a story to tell. Well, today is the day. In my last blog I wrote about having bouts of feeling unattractive on my journey back to my natural hair. The last few days I've had several encounters with strangers that I will share in the following paragraphs.

This weekend I traveled to Jackson, MS to visit my family. My sister has been getting her hair cut by my brother's barber. I have been hesitant to do so. I realized that my hesitation came from fear of having to lose any strand of hair on my head. Lord knows I am trying to keep it all. I can joke about it now because I know how silly I have been. She made an appointment for me and thus begins my story.

Friday morning as I was looking in the mirror with my sister sitting on the bed behind me I asked her, "Do you think I really need a hair cut?" She said, "Don't go if you don't want, but I like my hair to be even all around and you seem to like yours to have a fly away look." Humph, maybe I do. She could see the wheels turning in my head. So she said, "Go get your hair trimmed and just make sure you are specific with what you want. Tell him you want a line and to shape it up. He will do exactly what you want." I decided if nothing else I did need a line. Then I asked, "How much does he charge?" She said, "I usually just give him a twenty, so I think it's around fifteen or twelve dollars." I frowned a bit and she was like,"Tanisha, that's way cheaper than what we were paying when we had relaxers plus I've never had to wait; you will be in and out in thirty minutes." She had a point. Nothing left to say, I told her I'd be back and for she and the girls to be ready to go when I returned.

The shop was around the corner, so I didn't have much time to think thankfully. I opened the door to the shop and the barber peeped his head through the window to let me know he'd be with me shortly. I was a few minutes early, so it wasn't a problem. As I sat there for few minutes, in comes a young man running late for his appointment. He doesn't look my way at first, but then he turns around and does a double take. "Nanny!" It was a friend of mine from college. I hadn't seen him in years. The fact that he calls me Nanny is a story for another day. We embraced one another and then he looked me up and down and proclaimed, "Girl, you look good!" This was definitely music to my ears. We sat and chatted for a few minutes until the barber and the young man whose hair he was cutting walked around the corner. "Tanisha?" I looked and it was an old high school friend who was getting up from the barber's chair. "What's up girl?" I can't tell you how long it had been since I'd seen him either. His first words were "You, too! Everyone is going natural." His mother, sister, and girlfriend were either sporting TWAs or braids on their journey back to natural hair. He asked my reason for doing the same and I explained about thinning hair in addition to being tired of being a slave to the hair salon he said these were some of the same sentiments he'd heard from the women in his life. He went on to say that it looked good on me, but he was also quick to say that isn't the case for all black women in his estimation. Men, I tell ya. Brutal honesty. We had a good laugh as he stood and talked to me as the barber was working his magic. We talked and caught up on how everyone was doing.

Once he left, the barber I had a little small talk and he too remarked that he liked my TWA. Coming from a man in his profession, I felt my head swell just a little :-). He finished my hair, handed me the mirror, and voila! I was transformed. It's amazing how much better my hair looked with a professional trim. This was just what the doctor ordered.

Over the course of the day, my sister and I encountered countless women that stopped to tell us how we were working our TWAs. When the two of us (my sister and I) are out and about together we do garner the attention of others but usually because of our height, this time all the focus was on our hair. All positive. All love. All good. You hear and see such negativity about black women through the media that it was wonderful to experience first hand how supportive we can be. The icing on the cake was today after church service.

I am new to the congregation, so every Sunday I try to sit a place different in the sanctuary each Sunday and get to know more members. As I sat down on the pew between two older ladies, one of them leaned over and told me that I was wearing my dress. I thanked her and this validated my mantra of simple is best. The dress I wore to church was an A-line khaki dress. No frills. I adorned it with pearls earrings, nothing else. At the end of service, another lady on the opposite end of my pew flagged me down to tell me that she loved my style. She told he how beautiful she thought I was and how my hair as absolutely gorgeous. Wow! I thanked her for her kind words and told her how much they meant to me because the decision to cut off my relaxed hair was not an easy one. She assured me that I wore it well and she looked forward to seeing me next Sunday.

God is amazing. I'm telling you He placed strangers in my path this weekend to give me the boost I oh so needed. Some people may read this and misconstrue my words to think I need peoples approval and that could be farther from the truth because if that was the case I wouldn't have made the decision to return to my natural roots in the first place. As I've said, I have my days when I feel good and others when my afro looks like Florida Evans from Good Times (not a good look on a thirty something young lady). I have no regrets. This journey is not a fad for me. Being who you are can never be a fad because I will never go out of style. But everyone has moments when you need to feel the love and it was all over me this weekend. Thanks for reading.

aWordfromSmith

My sister and I with relaxers

Pre hair cut

Post hair cut

Natural me!