Curse the cursor

Death to the blinking cursor
I know real writers say you must write everyday. I don't see how they do it if they don't feel inspired to write about anything. I've been wanting to write for quite some time, but the only thing I end up doing is watching the blinking cursor mock me. It taunts me in my dreams saying, "You don't have anything to share, girl." Well, I am going to prove Mr. Cursor wrong.

Natural attraction
What I have come to discover is that once you are comfortable in our own skin you will realize that it is infectious. I ran into a childhood friend recently and he asked the usual question, "What made you decide to go natural?" Well, I replied as I usually do when I'm asked that question by telling people I've gone back to natural seeing as natural is the way I was born. He went on to say how nice he thought the look was on me and he knew there were probably a lot more men hitting on me because he thinks most men find nothing more attractive than a natural woman. Hmph! Who knew?

Natural hair support
I've received so much support throughout this journey. One of my colleagues has a daughter that is natural and she ordered some Miss Jessie's samples for her hair, but she didn't like how the products reacted on her daughter's hair, so she brought me a bag full of sample products. Having those samples has afforded me the chance to try products I wouldn't have tried otherwise. She and I have talked about hair in the past and she has the desire but says, "I don't think I'd look right." I told her sometimes you have to take a leap of faith if it's something you want. Going back natural is one of those things you definitely shouldn't do until you are ready.

My support has come from family, friends, and strangers. One of my friends, Kellie, is so sweet and one my biggest fans. She jokingly says she wants me to put her name in my blog so she can say she knew me when. How can you feel insecure when you have this kind of support system in place? One of my other white friends doesn't want me to add her name because she feels that she asks crazy questions, when in actuality she doesn't. To me, that's how you learn and grow because I know I've asked her questions about her race that I didn't understand. You ask questions and don't make assumptions. I recently met her mother and her mother prefaced a statement to me with, "I hope I don't offend you, but I love your hair and you look like I'd imagine an African Queen would look." I didn't take offense, I took it as it was intended, as a compliment. Again, I may have some read this statement and take offense. To each its own. I won't go off on a tangent about we (all people) have become so hypersensitive. But just know I could write a blog about that topic.

Although my husband didn't say it aloud I know he had reservations about my cutting my hair off. One of my staple products quickly became Kinky Curly Leave-in Conditioner. I am about several hours from a Target, so I have to purchase products when I travel to an area that has a Target. Each time I went to Target they were out of conditioner. I talked about it so much, I guess, because my husband started stopping at various Targets unbeknownst to me in his travels as well. A few weeks ago he surprised me with four bottles of conditioner. How sweet... right? The conditioner showed that he not only supported my inner product junkie, but it was a simple gesture that let me know that he was there for me.

Accessorize
If you have followed my blogs you know I've watched YouTube videos, read blogs, books, articles, everything I could get my hands on about natural hair. The one thing I heard several times was to play up accessories and make-up so you don't feel masculine. I just started wearing earrings that dangle in the last year even before my natural journey. I am a stud girl through and through and always have been. When I say I was and am a plain Jane I am not exaggerating. As far as make-up was concerned, I wore lip gloss and eyeliner on occasion and that was about the extent of my make-up routine. So, when I big chopped I felt the need to wear larger earrings and apply make-up each day. This was very short lived. Don't get me wrong, I have continued to dabble in make-up and I do wear a bit of a dangle on the ear occasionally, but I don't over compensate because I don't feel masculine. If anything I feel more feminine now than I ever have. I strut, not walk; I am radiant, I don't flicker. I feel so regal each and every day I look in the mirror.

aWordfromSmith

No make-up, no earrings, just me

Feeling the Love

I know I write so sporadically, but I try not to write unless I am really full and have a story to tell. Well, today is the day. In my last blog I wrote about having bouts of feeling unattractive on my journey back to my natural hair. The last few days I've had several encounters with strangers that I will share in the following paragraphs.

This weekend I traveled to Jackson, MS to visit my family. My sister has been getting her hair cut by my brother's barber. I have been hesitant to do so. I realized that my hesitation came from fear of having to lose any strand of hair on my head. Lord knows I am trying to keep it all. I can joke about it now because I know how silly I have been. She made an appointment for me and thus begins my story.

Friday morning as I was looking in the mirror with my sister sitting on the bed behind me I asked her, "Do you think I really need a hair cut?" She said, "Don't go if you don't want, but I like my hair to be even all around and you seem to like yours to have a fly away look." Humph, maybe I do. She could see the wheels turning in my head. So she said, "Go get your hair trimmed and just make sure you are specific with what you want. Tell him you want a line and to shape it up. He will do exactly what you want." I decided if nothing else I did need a line. Then I asked, "How much does he charge?" She said, "I usually just give him a twenty, so I think it's around fifteen or twelve dollars." I frowned a bit and she was like,"Tanisha, that's way cheaper than what we were paying when we had relaxers plus I've never had to wait; you will be in and out in thirty minutes." She had a point. Nothing left to say, I told her I'd be back and for she and the girls to be ready to go when I returned.

The shop was around the corner, so I didn't have much time to think thankfully. I opened the door to the shop and the barber peeped his head through the window to let me know he'd be with me shortly. I was a few minutes early, so it wasn't a problem. As I sat there for few minutes, in comes a young man running late for his appointment. He doesn't look my way at first, but then he turns around and does a double take. "Nanny!" It was a friend of mine from college. I hadn't seen him in years. The fact that he calls me Nanny is a story for another day. We embraced one another and then he looked me up and down and proclaimed, "Girl, you look good!" This was definitely music to my ears. We sat and chatted for a few minutes until the barber and the young man whose hair he was cutting walked around the corner. "Tanisha?" I looked and it was an old high school friend who was getting up from the barber's chair. "What's up girl?" I can't tell you how long it had been since I'd seen him either. His first words were "You, too! Everyone is going natural." His mother, sister, and girlfriend were either sporting TWAs or braids on their journey back to natural hair. He asked my reason for doing the same and I explained about thinning hair in addition to being tired of being a slave to the hair salon he said these were some of the same sentiments he'd heard from the women in his life. He went on to say that it looked good on me, but he was also quick to say that isn't the case for all black women in his estimation. Men, I tell ya. Brutal honesty. We had a good laugh as he stood and talked to me as the barber was working his magic. We talked and caught up on how everyone was doing.

Once he left, the barber I had a little small talk and he too remarked that he liked my TWA. Coming from a man in his profession, I felt my head swell just a little :-). He finished my hair, handed me the mirror, and voila! I was transformed. It's amazing how much better my hair looked with a professional trim. This was just what the doctor ordered.

Over the course of the day, my sister and I encountered countless women that stopped to tell us how we were working our TWAs. When the two of us (my sister and I) are out and about together we do garner the attention of others but usually because of our height, this time all the focus was on our hair. All positive. All love. All good. You hear and see such negativity about black women through the media that it was wonderful to experience first hand how supportive we can be. The icing on the cake was today after church service.

I am new to the congregation, so every Sunday I try to sit a place different in the sanctuary each Sunday and get to know more members. As I sat down on the pew between two older ladies, one of them leaned over and told me that I was wearing my dress. I thanked her and this validated my mantra of simple is best. The dress I wore to church was an A-line khaki dress. No frills. I adorned it with pearls earrings, nothing else. At the end of service, another lady on the opposite end of my pew flagged me down to tell me that she loved my style. She told he how beautiful she thought I was and how my hair as absolutely gorgeous. Wow! I thanked her for her kind words and told her how much they meant to me because the decision to cut off my relaxed hair was not an easy one. She assured me that I wore it well and she looked forward to seeing me next Sunday.

God is amazing. I'm telling you He placed strangers in my path this weekend to give me the boost I oh so needed. Some people may read this and misconstrue my words to think I need peoples approval and that could be farther from the truth because if that was the case I wouldn't have made the decision to return to my natural roots in the first place. As I've said, I have my days when I feel good and others when my afro looks like Florida Evans from Good Times (not a good look on a thirty something young lady). I have no regrets. This journey is not a fad for me. Being who you are can never be a fad because I will never go out of style. But everyone has moments when you need to feel the love and it was all over me this weekend. Thanks for reading.

aWordfromSmith

My sister and I with relaxers

Pre hair cut

Post hair cut

Natural me!

The Natural Roller Coaster Ride

Today is the start of my third week as a natural woman. I must say I have had my share of ups and downs over these past three weeks. I read all about the wave of emotions women that have BC'd (big chopped) could possibly go through while going back to their natural roots, but I have to admit that I still wasn't quite prepared.

Each day, my hair grows on me, but I have days when I feel like the ugly duckling and am taken back to my junior high days. And other days when I feel like I could be the Next Top Model, like my college days. I continue to learn daily how to care for my hair and am still playing around with various products to find the one(s) my hair likes. My husband told me the other day that I spend more time taking care of my hair now than I did when I had a relaxer. He is correct. Each day I come home and survey my hair to see how it held up over the course of the day, in addition, to sitting on the couch for a few hours watching YouTube videos of other natural women sharing products, hairstyles, or just sharing an uplifting word to newbies like myself.

This weekend I traveled home for my uncle's retirement party where I saw family, former colleagues, and friends. Everyone had nothing but positive things to say about my new look. Hair is such a simple four letter word, but it's amazing how powerful it is. Each day I grow stronger and start to believe it when I say that my hair doesn't define me. I downloaded India Arie's, "I Am Not My Hair" and sing it each day like an anthem. It probably doesn't help that I have always been insecure about my looks partially due to growing up being the tallest girl in my school where I was affectionately called Big Bird, Olive Oyl, tree, and the list goes on. So, those childhood memories of being the tall, skinny, big-teethed, brace-faced, big glasses faced girl all resurfaced.

So, this weekend was major for me. In addition, to the party one of my brother's best friends passed away, so several of his friends were in town. Many of them I had not seen in years and being that they view me as a little sister I knew they would have no problem with candor in reference to my hair. Again, I am my worst critic as I received nothing but double takes and positive comments the entire night. I was stylin' in my pink and green tee emblazoned with the phrase, "Thank God I'm Natural" along with the silhouette of a natural haired female.

While in the ladies room, my sister and I were approached by a lady who said, "You are both such beautiful sistas." We politely thanked her and I walked back to our table holding my head just a wee bit higher. We can all say that we don't need the affirmation of others, but it does feel good. I will end with my mantra, as of late (sing it with me):

I am not my hair

I am not this skin

I am not your expectations no 

I am not my hair 

I am not this skin 

I am a soul that lives within

Until next time my friends.

aWordfromSmith

Me and my cousin, Trish

My sister and my sister-cousin (fellow naturals)

Me (Week 2)

The Big Chop!

I still can't believe I did it. As of, June 2, 2011, a week from today, I am now sporting a TWA (teeny weeny afro). I have mixed emotions about the entire ordeal. Going natural was a difficult decision and it scared me, but my fears have subsided--somewhat. I have written about my fears surrounding the lack of social acceptance and so forth, but that is not even the issue anymore. I'm really dealing with Tanisha more so than anything. My acceptance of how I look and not comparing my hair to others. Yes, I read all of this prior to going natural but until you are in it all the way it doesn't really mean anything.

I do have to tell the story of my journey last week at the salon. I arrived at 4:00 pm (on time--as usual) and I did not leave until 9:00 pm. If nothing else motivated me to go ahead and chop it all off, the wait in the salon did. My stylist is male and I don't expect him to understand this process, but he wasn't very sensitive either. He looked me in the eyes and asked me why I wanted to go natural as if there was something wrong with it like he needed me to convince him. Going natural for me is not a fad nor a trend. I guess some people get tattoos, wear certain clothes, get piercings, etc. because of the latest trends but taking the journey to "naturaldom" is definitely not a trend. You learn so much about yourself and those around you that you can't help but grow as a result. But back to the story...I gave my stylist the quick and dirty version of "the why." I want healthy hair, I no longer want to put chemicals in my hair, I want to live with the hair God gave me, and I wanted to add I'm tired of being at the mercy of stylist like you, but I held my peace.

As if the explanation wasn't enough, the saga continued. The shampoo girl calls me back and was about to comb my hair out in the regular area where the other ladies were being curled or permed, but Mr. Stylist quickly gave her a look of death and instructed her  to take me to the back where the shampoo bowls were located, out of site.  Really? It was like HE was embarrassed. Maybe he thought he was doing me a favor, but I didn't see it that way. After my wash, the shampoo girl places a towel over my head as she walks me to the hair dryer again like she thinking, "Lord please don't let anyone see this woman's hair."

Once I finally got into the "hot seat" the commentary kept coming. After he cut my hair he suggested I get a texturizer. Again I think, really? Didn't I tell you four hours ago that I am going natural? I politely said,"Isn't that a chemical? He noted that it was but not as harsh a perm. Geez! This dude is, as you can read, not the sharpest knife in the drawer. I declined his offer and proceeded to pay for my services. As a last dig before I left he told me to make certain that I didn't let my husband know that he cut my hair.

Wow! I was just blown away but chalked it up to ignorance and thanked God He blessed me to not be a simple-minded person. It goes without saying that I will never return to that salon for a trim, color, shape-up, nothing. I guess it was a blessing in disguise because having to deal with such ignorance just made me stronger in my convictions.

In the end, this entire ordeal made me feel more powerful with each word, each passing moment, each snip of hair that fell to the ground.

aWordfromSmith

Life After Braids

Day before yesterday I started the process of taking down my braids. I have never worn braids before and heard horror stories about the removal of braids in reference to the tedious  process in addition to possible breakage. Sadly, I experienced both. I am thankful to have a husband that was willing to help. I completed the process on last night and as my natural hair was revealed bit by bit I slowly started thinking...what have I done?

My hair looked like Don King. I could barely get water to the roots and let's not talk about tangles and knots. I applied leave-in conditioner and coconut oil to soften my hair to hopefully make it somewhat manageable. I started trying to comb it in sections, but gave up hope. I wrapped my hair in a silk scarf and called it a night. So, I am in a state of sheer panic and I must admit feeling a bit vulnerable.  

I wish I had the summer months off and could transition in isolation. Having to transition in front of peers and answer questions is the worst. Today, as you can see in my picture, is a hat day. I had a conversation with my husband last night and he reminded me of things I knew, but I guess forgot once my transition became a reality. I was reminded that I have read and researched everything about natural hair and didn't make this decision on a whim. I thought hard and prayed hard before making the choice to go natural. And it's just that...my choice. This is definitely an experience that will make me stronger and more confident in the inner workings of me.

I have a hair appointment today with my regular stylist and I'm not sure what will come from this visit. So...this story is to be continued after my 4 o'clock. I solicit your prayers.

aWordfromSmith

Transitioning with braids

Resiliency

A few weeks ago I traveled to Little Rock, Arkansas for the Rural Sites Network Conference. Several of my National Writing Project colleagues read my blog and asked that I explain what it meant to transition to my natural hair and why this was such a scary process for me. I was happy to oblige and answer any and all questions.

When I traveled to Arkansas, I was more and more self-conscious about my hair because I had surpassed the time I would normally have gotten a relaxer, so it was evident (at least in my mind) that people were noticing changes in my hair texture.

For the pre-conference activities I went to the William J. Clinton Presidential Library and the Central High School National Historic Site tour. Who knew that my visit to Little Rock, Arkansas would aid in my continuous growth through my hair journey. 

After the Clinton Library tour, a few of us walked to the Clinton Museum Store. It was there I met a beautiful regal looking Black woman with natural hair. I realized that I was staring, so I introduced myself and explained why I was being rude. She was very understanding and through our brief conversation I was uplifted. I felt a connection with this woman that I had never laid eyes on until that very moment in the store. She took a minute to share her testimony and how she was a year into the natural process. She explained how her friends and family thought she was crazy for cutting her beyond shoulder length mane to a teeny tiny afro. At the time our lives collided, she was sporting two-strand twists. She embodied where I want to be a year from now, confident and comfortable in my own skin. 

My next stop was Central High School. I have read both fiction and non-fiction accounts of the Little Rock Nine crisis in 1957. I wasn't prepared for the wave of emotions I would feel from being in that space. The strength of these nine teenagers taking a stand for what is right. I can't imagine how they felt being escorted to school, throughout school, and home each day. All of this made me think... why am I fretting over hair? If hair is my biggest worry then I should consider myself blessed. Did Ernest Green, Elizabeth Eckford,  Jefferson Thomas, Terrence Roberts, Carlotta Wall LaNier, Minijean Brown, Gloria Ray Karlmark, Thelma Mothershed, or Melba Beals concern themselves with how others might view them? If that were the case they would never have made history. They stood tall, held their heads high and pushed forward. They didn't worry themselves with those that were afraid. I was reminded that others were offered this same opportunity, but when the dust settled, nine were left standing.

This experience has reminded me that I come from a resilient people and I can face anything no matter how big or small.

aWordfromSmith

DD and I in front of the Little Rock Nine bronze statues outside the state capitol

In front of Central High School

Posing with Sharon Washington and Spirit Trickey-Rowan

Bittersweet

A few days ago, I had what I hope to be my last hair appointment. Well, I know I will still need someone to trim my ends ever so often, but not the two-week appointment like clock work that I have had for as long as I can remember.  As I sat in the shop for hours and hours upon end waiting for my stylist to call me to the chair, I welled with joy at the thought of being able take back those hours of sitting in a shop at someone else's mercy. These days of waiting from 3-6 hours are coming to an end. Those precious hours of my life, that I can never get back, can now be spent in the comfort of my own home taking the time to care for my hair and using that time to meditate, listening to an audio book, listening and/or singing along to music, watching a movie, or whatever I choose.

My time is valuable and I am often frustrated when others don't take this into consideration. What's the point of making an appointment if it is ignored? In all my years of getting my "hair done" I have never had a stylist that honored an appointment time. I am not bashing hair stylist, but I am speaking from my experience which is the only thing I have to base this information. I have waited as long as two hours before anyone touched my hair, not to mention the additional hours required to wash, dry, and style. Trust me, I have tried to find other people and if they get me in and out of the shop in a timely manner, I was dissatisfied with my hair when I left. Take this information for what it's worth, but I for one I am ready to take my hair into my own hands and out of the hands of others that could care less about its health and my time.

My hair has been thinning for years and whenever I'd mention going natural to my stylists they (yes, more than one) would discourage me from doing so. I trusted them as professionals and didn't pursue the matter further. I look back and think how unfortunate it is that black professionals would discourage instead of giving the facts and allowing me to weigh my options and make the best decision for Tanisha. Instead, they suggested and hair coloring, weaves, no-lye relaxers, and special hair care products. I did all the above except for the weave. I don't have anything against weave, but if I ever got a weave in my hair I'd have to get a sew-in, no way am I letting you glue anything to my scalp but all they used was glue. Needless to say, nothing worked. I finally relented and tried the coloring about a month ago. The color helped camouflage my thinning spots a little but not enough. I have been unhappy with my hair for years and it was time for me to inform myself and not rely on "professionals" to tell me what was best.

 2010

2007

I guess you could say going to the salon will be bittersweet. When something becomes so ingrained in your mind it's hard to go against it but I am ready for this next chapter.

aWordfromSmith

Assimilation

I don't know if I will try to blog everyday or not. I guess the best thing to do is write and allow the words to flow. And away we go...

Yesterday, I wrote about my decision to go natural.  Today, I want to write about why this is such a difficult process for me. Why is returning my hair to its natural state such a journey? In one word, fear. Fear of what you might ask. All my life I have been the "safe" black girl. I have always been the black girl at school or in the workplace that other races felt comfortable being around. I am black girl that was always asked those questions about black culture. I have heard and answered questions about our hair, foods we eat, why we wait so long to bury our dead, what do we do in church all day, myths about black men, how we come up with names for our children, and the list goes on. I have never been offended; I feel it is a natural part of life to be curious. Some of the most intelligent people I know are those that constantly ask questions.

In addition, I have always reveled in that fact that my classmates and colleagues felt comfortable enough to ask me those burning questions. So, what does all this have to do with my fear of going natural you might ask. Well...I have allowed a stereotype to permeate my way of thinking. I am ashamed to admit that I feel/felt (I'm a work in progress) that now people (within and outside of my race) will view me as militant. Maybe militant is a bit harsh, but not in my mind. Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel that all of sudden those who come in contact with me will see Sistah Souljah or Angela Davis not Tanisha? I have prayed and cried and prayed about this feeling because it is horrible for me to allow such negativity to enter my space. To be honest, I have always fought for what I believed was right. I often find myself being the only person of color in professional settings and speaking out for marginalized students, especially ones with little brown faces that are often misunderstood. But I do so in a noncombative way so now with natural hair will those same people begin to see me as being aggressive, confrontational, radical? Should I care? Am I wrong for caring what others think about me? Ugh! C'est la vive! Hakuna matata! I guess I am over analyzing, maybe not. Obviously I have lots of questions and very few answers.

Then there is the fear of job opportunities. Sad, but true. As a black woman, I know it is possible to be labeled/judged based on my outward appearance before I am even allowed a chance to utter a word. Am I placing myself in a horrible position? But to quote Shakespeare (corny, I know) I must "to thine own self be true." I can't be true to myself and continue to conform to how I feel others (society) would have me look. I know that regardless of my hair I will continue to be the best Christian, wife, sister, aunt, niece, cousin, granddaughter, friend, soror, colleague, teacher, educator, that I can possibly be.

I am releasing the subconscious belief that I have to assimilate. I know my self-worth and it is as healthy as my hair will soon be.

aWordfromSmith

The Decision

Let me start by saying this is my first attempt at blogging. I somehow feel compelled to share my thoughts with others so here goes. Growing up I never recall having insecurities or ill feelings about my hair but these feelings have definitely changed over the years. The main reason being that my hair was once thick and full of body. Now, it is thin and lifeless. I am what one would call a "Plain Jane." I didn't decide to try make-up until my thirties. As far as styling my hair, I am slow to change having worn a wrap throughout high school and most of my college years. Halle Berry had an impact on me, and I made the big chop around my junior year of undergraduate school. For years to come, I just switched between letting it grow and cutting in back off. Considering the various ways black women can style their hair one would think I would have tried to switch it up a bit but nah, I kept it simple.

Giving a little insight into my background will help one understand how profound it is for me to decide to go natural. This idea has been tugging at me for a few years. My first tug was when I read the book Nappily Ever After. I even got a little tug from the children's book Nappy Hair not to mention the infamous incident between Don Imus and the Rutgers ladies basketball team. The biggest tug was after viewing Chris Rock's documentary Good Hair and realizing that I was one of those women spending thousands of dollars to straighten my hair. Additionally, I have two nieces one with natural hair and one with a relaxer. I try to instill in them that we (women of color) are beautiful and come in various sizes, shapes, colors, textures, you name it. I want them to be proud of who they are and how they look and this isn't an easy task with how the media tends to portray beauty. Little black girls don't have the opportunity to see themselves plastered across various magazine covers or walking the runway.

So, I am beginning this journey not only for myself, but for those two girls that I adore with all my heart. I  know this transition will not be easy and I will have to rally the support of my family and friends to get me through. It is sad, but I realize that going natural will be a difficult process because I am addicted to the "creamy crack." I have always believed in the power of words both the verbal and written word. Writing things really solidifies things for me. I have written prayers, poems, life lessons, goals, short stories, and my proudest piece of work to date-- my dissertation. So, I believe the best way to embrace this new beginning of returning my hair to its natural state is through writing.

Let the journey begin...